It's only one night until Yom Kippur. G-d's about to make His final decision about this coming year, and what am I thinking about? I'm thinking about how simply looking at a certain someone's face makes me want to vomit. I won't say who cause that's just mean, but they are someone who hurt me in the past.

I was reading in bed last night about Yom Kippur and it said this is the day that G-d choses who will die this year and who will live. That got me to wondering why He took Brenna. That just made me depressed.

The biggest disappointment this year is that I made G-d a promise last year that I consciously broke. I've regretted it ever since, but I couldn't ask Him to give me another chance, could I? I mean, obviously I didn't mean what I promised or I wouldn't have made it. I want to think that it was someone else's fault, but I can't just blame everything on someone else. I've learned from my mistakes and made them again. That's not what Yom Kippur's about.

Good luck tomorrow everyone.

Untitled Prayer

I had just driven home from my friend's place and it was almost midnight. When I got out of the car and looked up at the sky, I saw that the full moon was coming out of the clouds into view and the stars were shining. I decided that I would say the shema outside tonight under the stars.

Usually I say it right as I'm laying down to sleep. And after I finish saying the shema I add thanks to Hashem for the day and add some personal prayers of my own.

Tonight, after I said the shema under the stars, I prayed for personal strength. I prayed for Hashem to be with me as I go through this rough patch. I'm losing one of my close friends, and I'm deeply suffering while this is happening. I asked Him to watch over me and keep me going. I also asked for Him to help my friend find his way, even if we're never to be together again.

I pray that this prayer is a lasting one.

Study Break

So I've been busy studying for my Bio and Biochem finals. I got sick on the last week of school last term and missed them. I was so lucky that they let me defer them. Bio should be alright, but biochem is a different story.

I failed the biochem midterm miserably. I've failed exams before, but I've never been so afraid of failing an entire course. I've always been able to get myself back with assignments or other midterms. This course is entirely different. This prof demands so much. I wonder if it's me though, cause people are able to do alright it seems. My friend who took it with me failed. I told her that I would be taking it with her next spring, but I really don't want to have to take it again. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get around it.

My boyfriend thinks that if I study I should be able to do well and get an A+ without a problem. I hate when he says that. I wish it still worked like that for me. I spent all of the exam period studying and I failed my chem final. Luckily I passed the course, but I can't say anything about putting time into studying and getting the marks. I don't understand what happened to me and how I got so retarded.

I really wanted to take biochem and I enjoyed it. But they took much too much out of me for it, and it's about to become the biggest regret of my post-secondary career.

You know, I really wish I could forget someone. Just like in the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind how Kate Winslet forgot Jim Carrey when they broke up. I wish there was some kind of neural procedure that would search every part of my being and eliminate every thought and idea that reminds me of this person. These characters are the LUCKIEST people on earth! What I wouldn't give to just stop myself from thinking about him. Not having anymore opportunities to let my mind drift his way and remember the pain he caused me. I blame him. I blame him for everything that happened to me last year. He pulled the most horrible shit on me. I can't count the number of times he took advantage of me. And yes, I say "take advantage" because he led me on to believe that he loved me and wanted to be with me just so he could get me into bed. And me being the gullable person that I am believed him. I let him take advantage of me. He even got me to pay for his food and alcohol. He didn't do shit for me. Of course, when he got what he wanted, "I'm not looking for a relationship." EXCUSE ME ASSHOLE, THAT'S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU TOLD ME. How could I fall for this? HOW?

I wish I could forget you. I hate you.

Wish List

Just some things I wouldn't mind for my birthday. It's still a couple months off, but it's never too early to start!

1) Casino Royale DVD
2) Starbucks card
3) Rogers card
4) Violin sheet music

And some things only He can give me
5) Pass all my courses
6) Let my foot finally heal (after 4+ years)
7) Let my mind heal and restore my sanity

Something only someone that loves me can give me
8) A recording of him saying that/how much he loves me (Isn't this one silly? But I still want it with all my heart!)
9) Something meaningful.

I know it's too much to ask, since I was such a horrible person last year, but hopefully one of these wishes can come true this year.


--I got the Starbucks card.

One of those nights...

I'm having one of those nights. I'm:
crying,
panicking,
scared,
feeling horrible,
listening to depressing emo music,
feeling worthless,
alone,
guilty,
dirty,
in my bedroom,
obsessing about someone not worth obsessing over,
soaking my kleenex's,

the list goes on...

These are the nights I'm most afraid of. I can't seem to control myself. Sometimes I stare into the mirror and watch the tears fall down my cheeks. My eyes and lips turn red and my skin becomes shiny.

The worst part is when I turn the lights out and climb into bed, when there's nothing left to hear but the loudest silence. I've had way too many nights like these and I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm still having dreams like the ones I had last summer. The worst dream was when I saw Jon slit his throat right in front of me because he didn't like something I did. I let out a shriek in my sleep and woke up. My pillow was drenched with tears.

Identity

You've found my blog. If you know who I am, I'll congratulate you later. I'm impressed.

These are not my private journals, so they're not all that intriguing; but I'd love you to read my posts anyway. If you are really, and I mean, REALLY interested in reading my more personal thoughts, dreams, stories, etc., leave me a note and I'll send you the link.