Living through another song

Like we never loved at all by Faith Hill

You never looked so good
As you did last night,
Underneath the city lights,
There walking with your friend,
Laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right trough me.
But I'm still living with your goodbye,
And you're just goingon with your life.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything
Between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all.

You, I hear your doing fine.
Seems like your doing well
As far as I can tell.
Time is leaving us behind
(time-leaving us behind)
Another week has passed
And still I haven't laughed yet.
So tell me what your secret is
( I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know )
To letting, letting go like you did.
Like you did.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything
Between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all.

Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
Oh, and did you ever miss me,
Ever want to kiss me?
Oh baby, baby.

Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything
Between our rise and fall
Like we never loved-at all.

It's only one night until Yom Kippur. G-d's about to make His final decision about this coming year, and what am I thinking about? I'm thinking about how simply looking at a certain someone's face makes me want to vomit. I won't say who cause that's just mean, but they are someone who hurt me in the past.

I was reading in bed last night about Yom Kippur and it said this is the day that G-d choses who will die this year and who will live. That got me to wondering why He took Brenna. That just made me depressed.

The biggest disappointment this year is that I made G-d a promise last year that I consciously broke. I've regretted it ever since, but I couldn't ask Him to give me another chance, could I? I mean, obviously I didn't mean what I promised or I wouldn't have made it. I want to think that it was someone else's fault, but I can't just blame everything on someone else. I've learned from my mistakes and made them again. That's not what Yom Kippur's about.

Good luck tomorrow everyone.

Untitled Prayer

I had just driven home from my friend's place and it was almost midnight. When I got out of the car and looked up at the sky, I saw that the full moon was coming out of the clouds into view and the stars were shining. I decided that I would say the shema outside tonight under the stars.

Usually I say it right as I'm laying down to sleep. And after I finish saying the shema I add thanks to Hashem for the day and add some personal prayers of my own.

Tonight, after I said the shema under the stars, I prayed for personal strength. I prayed for Hashem to be with me as I go through this rough patch. I'm losing one of my close friends, and I'm deeply suffering while this is happening. I asked Him to watch over me and keep me going. I also asked for Him to help my friend find his way, even if we're never to be together again.

I pray that this prayer is a lasting one.

Study Break

So I've been busy studying for my Bio and Biochem finals. I got sick on the last week of school last term and missed them. I was so lucky that they let me defer them. Bio should be alright, but biochem is a different story.

I failed the biochem midterm miserably. I've failed exams before, but I've never been so afraid of failing an entire course. I've always been able to get myself back with assignments or other midterms. This course is entirely different. This prof demands so much. I wonder if it's me though, cause people are able to do alright it seems. My friend who took it with me failed. I told her that I would be taking it with her next spring, but I really don't want to have to take it again. It doesn't look like I'll be able to get around it.

My boyfriend thinks that if I study I should be able to do well and get an A+ without a problem. I hate when he says that. I wish it still worked like that for me. I spent all of the exam period studying and I failed my chem final. Luckily I passed the course, but I can't say anything about putting time into studying and getting the marks. I don't understand what happened to me and how I got so retarded.

I really wanted to take biochem and I enjoyed it. But they took much too much out of me for it, and it's about to become the biggest regret of my post-secondary career.

You know, I really wish I could forget someone. Just like in the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind how Kate Winslet forgot Jim Carrey when they broke up. I wish there was some kind of neural procedure that would search every part of my being and eliminate every thought and idea that reminds me of this person. These characters are the LUCKIEST people on earth! What I wouldn't give to just stop myself from thinking about him. Not having anymore opportunities to let my mind drift his way and remember the pain he caused me. I blame him. I blame him for everything that happened to me last year. He pulled the most horrible shit on me. I can't count the number of times he took advantage of me. And yes, I say "take advantage" because he led me on to believe that he loved me and wanted to be with me just so he could get me into bed. And me being the gullable person that I am believed him. I let him take advantage of me. He even got me to pay for his food and alcohol. He didn't do shit for me. Of course, when he got what he wanted, "I'm not looking for a relationship." EXCUSE ME ASSHOLE, THAT'S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU TOLD ME. How could I fall for this? HOW?

I wish I could forget you. I hate you.

Wish List

Just some things I wouldn't mind for my birthday. It's still a couple months off, but it's never too early to start!

1) Casino Royale DVD
2) Starbucks card
3) Rogers card
4) Violin sheet music

And some things only He can give me
5) Pass all my courses
6) Let my foot finally heal (after 4+ years)
7) Let my mind heal and restore my sanity

Something only someone that loves me can give me
8) A recording of him saying that/how much he loves me (Isn't this one silly? But I still want it with all my heart!)
9) Something meaningful.

I know it's too much to ask, since I was such a horrible person last year, but hopefully one of these wishes can come true this year.


--I got the Starbucks card.

One of those nights...

I'm having one of those nights. I'm:
crying,
panicking,
scared,
feeling horrible,
listening to depressing emo music,
feeling worthless,
alone,
guilty,
dirty,
in my bedroom,
obsessing about someone not worth obsessing over,
soaking my kleenex's,

the list goes on...

These are the nights I'm most afraid of. I can't seem to control myself. Sometimes I stare into the mirror and watch the tears fall down my cheeks. My eyes and lips turn red and my skin becomes shiny.

The worst part is when I turn the lights out and climb into bed, when there's nothing left to hear but the loudest silence. I've had way too many nights like these and I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm still having dreams like the ones I had last summer. The worst dream was when I saw Jon slit his throat right in front of me because he didn't like something I did. I let out a shriek in my sleep and woke up. My pillow was drenched with tears.

Identity

You've found my blog. If you know who I am, I'll congratulate you later. I'm impressed.

These are not my private journals, so they're not all that intriguing; but I'd love you to read my posts anyway. If you are really, and I mean, REALLY interested in reading my more personal thoughts, dreams, stories, etc., leave me a note and I'll send you the link.

How Ironic They Bestowed This Name Upon Me

The Story of Deirdre


From the Summation of Wendy Werges and 'Celtic Fairy Tales' collected By Joseph Jacobs, Embellished with a co-mingling of folk stories by Lori Tharp



Long ago, the King of Ulster was holding his court. In the course of feasting and music, a loud, unearthly cry was heard that stilled everyone in the room. The King's soothsayer divined the source of the cry as the unborn child in the womb of one of the women at court. The soothsayer told the King: "This woman will bear a daughter, and she will be the fairest girl that the land has ever seen-- and on account of this beauty, the greatest amount of blood ever been shed in Erin since time and race began will be shed for her. And the three most famous heroes that ever were found will lose their heads on her account."

The king, King Conchobar, thought on the prophecy for a moment and thought that having the fairest girl in the land would be no poor thing. He then sighed and said that if the girl was to be so much trouble, he would bear the price of the trouble alone. So he sent the girl and her mother to the woods to live in a cottage, alone where hopefully she could do little harm and perhaps avoid the prophecy. He also announced to all in his kingdom that he would marry the girl when she came of age.

So the woman raised Deirdre, who grew like a sapling. The woman taught Deirdre all that she knew, from sewing to the herbs of the forest. But the one thing she did not teach her of was men. The woman did learn, though, from her confinement with Deirdre, that the young pretty thing had also the gift of prophecy, through the means of dreams, not unlike the soothsayer who warned the king of her fate.

One night, Deirdre dreamed of chasing after three handsome men whom she saw in a clearing near her home. Her eyes met those of the youngest, and she fell in love and chased after them. Before she reached them, the three men faded to the shadow of another man, whom she could not see clearly, but who bore a crown on his brow.

It came to pass one fateful day that three hunters came near to the far-off place in which they lived. The noises they made and their presence piqued great curiosity in the young, and now beautiful maiden, who took an interest and watched them. One took aim and shot a black crow to the snow-covered ground. While she watched he turned around, and his hair was as dark as the wing of the raven. He crouched beside the kill and his skin was the color of snow, and when he colored when the other men jested that he had shot a scavenger and nothing for their dinner, his face reddened to the color of the crow's blood. Deirdre was fascinated by the beautiful creature she saw, then realized that these men were the men from her dreams, and she fell immediately in love with Naois, the youngest with the raven hair. She stepped out, a beautiful creature with golden red hair, and she captured his heart as surely as he had her own. She kissed him three times, and then gave a kiss to each of his brothers.

The three were mindful of the King and his oath to marry the girl. To prevent this, so that Naois might marry her, they decided to take her to Scotland. It was unfortunate as they escaped that the king saw her, and was enraptured by her beauty. He gave pursuit, but they eluded him safely and made their lives by the side of a fair lake. Naois and Deirdre, and Naois's brothers, Allen and Arden, dwelled here happily in a tower for a long time, after her marriage to Naois.

At the end of a year, though he knew her married, the King decided to use the sword to acquire what love and planning could not. So he planned a gleeful feast, and sent his kinsman--his father's brother, Ferchar Mac Ro--to Scotland to invite Naois to the feast. There the emissary arrived with his three sons, and pronounced that the King would not rest soundly until the heroes of Ireland were returned to the homeland, and that he hoped the feast would lure them back to their rightful place in their rightful lands. The brothers immediately agreed to return, but Deirdre had dreamed the night before of three white doves with honey in their mouths, and then of three gray hawks, the color of the sea, with blood in their mouths. She begged Naois not to go, but he dismissed her dreams as silliness and not portents of the future.

So the emissary and his sons, the three heroes, and Deirdre, arrived in Ireland again. They were sent to a guest house, for the main hall was not yet ready for the feast, and the King asked Gelban Grednach, son of Locklin's King, to go to the house where they waited and observe Deirdre's beauty. If it had faded, the King said he would leave her to Naois, but if it had not, then by sword he would have her. Gelban spied on Deirdre and the three brothers, and was awed by her beauty. Naois discovered the spy, and took the die from his game with his brothers and threw it so hard as to knock out Gelban's eye through the keyhole. Gelban took himself away to the King and pronounced that he would have remained to look more at the young beauty, had he not been in such a hurry to escape the heroes.

So the three brothers knew that treachery was coming upon them, now, and they prepared. The three sons of the emissary, who had sworn they would guard the heroes with their lives whilst they were in Ireland, were true to their word. And when the King arrived with his men, the six of them cut them down, though King Connachar offered them much to get them to betray their oaths.

So the three heroes and Deirdre left to return to Scotland. The King, obsessed, contacted Duannan Gacah Druid, the best magician he had. He reminded the magician of the money spent in educating him, and of the debt owed. And then he set the mage upon his enemies, so that he could have Deirdre for himself.

The first thing the magician did was set before the fleeing four a wood in which no man would go. But the heroes took hold of Deirdre, and protecting her, proceeded without falter. The King was angry that it did not stop them. So the next thing that the magician did was to create a gray sea before them. So the men of Deirdre's party took off their clothes, and Naois set Deirdre upon his shoulder, and they began to swim. And the King was angry that this, too did not stop them. So Duannan said, "Let us see if this will," and changed the sea so the waves were razor sharp, or had the poison of the adder.

Arden cried that he was getting tired, so Naois said to him to come and sit upon his other shoulder. It was there that Arden died, though Naois would not let him go long after he was dead. Then Allen cried that he, too, was almost done, so Naois said to him to hold on to him, and he would see them through. But then Allen was not long in death. When Naois realized both brothers were dead, he sighed, and gave up life himself. Thus the magician said to the King, "They are gone now, and you may have Deirdre to yourself." And then the magician made the sea vanish, and the three bodies and Deirdre were on dry land.

She lamented for her lover, for his brothers, for their dreams. The people nearby came to her cries and gathered round the heroes' bodies. The King ordered the three be put into one grave, and Deirdre persuaded the diggers to make it comfortable and wide for the three brothers, so they had plenty of room, and would never be apart. So the brothers were put to the ground, and Deirdre taken by the King to his castle.

There, she sat in her rooms and saw no one, sitting silently, dreaming silent dreams, until the day of her wedding. On the night before, she dreamed of Naois; they danced, and his brothers were there. Flowers abounded. Then she woke in her bed, a smile on her face.

On that day, she donned the veil, beauteous gems, and a lovely gown, then was escorted to sit beside her husband-to-be in a war chariot, pulled to show her off, as spoils of war, to all they rode by as they rode together to their wedding. The whole of the time, the King was rude, and described to her what he had waited this long time to do. She asked of the driver to go faster, that it might be done with more quickly, and the King agreed, so the driver raced the horses as fast as they could go. Then the lovely Deirdre gave the King her final look, a harsh one, and put her head out of the chariot, such that the nearest standing stone killed her instantly at the speed at which they rode.

While the King stood dumbfounded, the local people took up her ruined body and laid her in the earth, beside the heroes they had buried. When the King recovered his wits, he ordered her body removed and laid across the meadow from her lover. Thereupon a fir shoot grew out of the grave of Deirdre, and another from the grave of Naois, and the two shoots united in a knot. The King ordered it cut down twice, until, at the third time, the wife whom the king had eventually married caused him to stop this work of evil, and end his vengeance on the remains of the dead.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

A stupid question...

What's worse:
Knowing they're not worth it,
Or knowing you're not worth it to them?

Obviously they're worth it to me, or I wouldn't be asking the question.
There's the answer.